Craving Rejection

Alright, I admit, the title is for clickbait. No one actually craves rejection. But when you’re waiting for query responses, it can all start to feel so desperate that you prefer even a negative response to the agony of waiting.

I have sent out many queries in the past few weeks and I truly believe that the hardest part of the whole process is the waiting that follows. You end up in this awful limbo, wondering if you’re even being considered or if you’re being immediately written off. You wait for replies for so long that you start to wonder if they’re even coming. The not knowing hurts almost as bad as getting that boilerplate letter of rejection does.

I suppose I should be used to this feeling by now, but it’s still just as painful. I have queried four books so far with no success. It makes me search for crumbs, so even a fast rejection begins to feel like a relief.

A Glimmer of Hope

A day before my birthday this year, however, I got my first taste of positivity: an agent asked to see my full manuscript. I’ll never forget that feeling of goosebumps and short breaths that followed. Even as I prepared and tediously reread and edited my response to the agent, I knew it was another long shot.

And of course it was.

I was rejected by that agent, and even though I prepared myself for what felt like an inevitability, it still stung. I tried to busy myself with housework and reading but I couldn’t shake her words echoing in my mind, verbatim and haunting.

But at least now I know. In a way, it is a relief to be certain, but I am mourning that small, optimistic glimmer I secretly nursed. I’m glad I didn’t feed it too much, but it was nice to check in on occasionally.

They say that all it takes is one yes, and that you shouldn’t give up. To me, giving up was never an option. Not this time. I’m too hungry for it.

The querying continues (as does the rejections), and it will keep going until I get that yes.